THE CASE OF RAFFLES AND THE RANDY KOALA

Now here’s a cracker – too good to waste on a blog really. I should be making a crime novel out of this, but hey ho … I don’t want to be rich. Much.

I have discovered the secret of why the modern-day criminal isn’t up to the Raffles mark. It’s never mentioned in the books about the ‘gentleman thief’ because it would be thought too fanciful. But then fact is often stranger than fiction.

Raffles had hit on the hitherto unknown ruse of carrying a koala in his bag of break-in tools. A koala he had trained to open doors, unlatch windows, and twiddle safe locks.

Not many people know this: The koala is one of the few mammals (other than primates) that has fingerprints. And those dabs are so similar to human fingerprints that even with an electron microscope it can be difficult to distinguish between the two.

No wonder Corner of the Yard could never track down Raffles.

Kevin the Koala served Raffles faithfully for several years before being sent off by his grateful owner to the London Menagerie For Retiring Marsupials.

Actually, it was more a ménage a trois. For an even lesser known fact about koalas is that the male has a bifurcated penis. So it was no wonder that his two companions Katherine and Klarissa spent their last years in a satisfied daze. If only they’d known that the female koala has a bifurcated vagina. But then koalas do have an exceptionally small brain – about the size of a shrivelled walnut.

Otherwise, why would Kevin have taken the risk of being convicted for burglary when he was an innocent dupe.

*If you don't know what bifurcated means, I suggest you look it up pronto. And prepare to be amazed.