DWP WINTER FOOLS ALLOWANCE

My mate Pete has a special way of dealing with poor service. His technique is a treat to behold. Be it a shop, a utility service, bureaucracy, they all get the same even, placid-tempered, absolutely deadly approach.

The other day he told me about his skirmish with the Department for Work and Pensions. Sorry, skirmish is probably the wrong word – Pete is rarely in a rush; he’s quite happy to go for the long game.

Last November he saw a big advert in the Saturday Telegraph for the DWP Winter Fuel Payment advising that all those qualifying for the payment (like him, managing to be 60 on or before September 13) would be paid in November or December, and in any event by Christmas. They said there was no need to apply.

In mid-January, still waiting for his money, he gave them a call to find out how they had managed to cock up their own system. The first question Ihe was asked was, "Have you applied?"

"Of course not," he replied, "you told me not to."

"Ah, well, that is only if you already receive a benefit or a pension, and we know who you are."

"Well if you had known who I was, you wouldn't know now, because you lost all of the records, didn't you?"

"I'll send you a form."

"Thank you."

They then sent the form to his old address in Cornwall (“they did indeed not know much about me, but clearly just enough to be lethal”) but the new owners kindly sent on the form. Pete filled it in and sent it back by return.

Towards the end of February he phoned them again to find out if anything was going to happen or whether this was just a game ("wind-up the voter, or something similar”).

They were able to confirm the form had been received and processed, but added: "Unfortunately, the Government only give us a certain amount of money each month for this, and we cannot process your payment until March. You will then be paid in the batch payments at the beginning of April."

In Pete’s own words: “And so it came to pass that an old man living in Scotland got his 2007 Winter Fuel Payment in April 2008 – unfortunately hypothermia had struck much earlier! Mind you, it's steaming hot here now.”

Well, I did warn you it could be the long game ...