JOAN IS EFFING GOOD BUT I SWEAR MRS N IS BETTER

So, Joan Rivers thinks she knows a thing or two about swearing. My arse!

I know a thing or two about swearing. Well, after a lifetime in journalism how could I not? The same goes for many other professions. Docker, navvy, soldier, sailor, broker, gynecologist, chef. But I have an added string to my bow – Mrs Napper.

As a former librarian and an amateur etymologist, she has made a study of swearing. Quite a learned study. The derivation, the nuances, the sheer delightful cadence of some swear words.

Those who have read the book of my adventures, When It Comes To The Crunch (go to www.huckbooks.co.uk), will know what I mean. Those who haven’t don’t know what they’re missing.

If you haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, Ms Rivers was hauled off the Loose Women TV show for calling Russell Crowe ‘a fucking shit’ (come on, we’re grown-ups here). She claimed she didn’t know it was a live show and thought her opinion of Mr Crowe would be bleeped out.

Now, I like Joan Rivers. She’s a funny lady and says it, in typical New York style, like she sees it. But when in Britain, Joan …

Don’t do these things in public – i.e. a popular daytime TV show on a mainstream channel. Do it in the privacy of a theatre, a club, a late-night TV show where like-minded people gather to pay for the privilege of being sworn at by a celebrity.

As Mrs N would say – anybody who does otherwise is a tupping plock.

No? Buy the effing book and you'll find out!