PLAY FOR TODAY: BRIBERY IN THE LIBRARY

Gordon Brown couldn’t have made a worse mess of the 42-day terror detention vote if a professional writer had been hired to craft the script.

According to my sources, he had to offer a veritable catalogue of bribes to secure a majority in favour of the new law to detain terror suspects for up to six weeks without charge. These apparently included millions of pounds in cash incentives for Northern Ireland’s power-sharing executive, help in saving post offices, knighthoods, and compensation for former miner struck down by lung disease.

Hang on. Maybe ... yes. I feel a script coming on ...

The Prime Minister needs one more vote from the Labour rebels (or a Tory /Lib-Dem rebel) to secure victory. He corners Glenda Jackson, the former actress, in the Commons library.

PM: Nice day, Glenda.
GJ: No, sod off.
PM: How many Oscars did you win.?
GJ: No, sod off.
PM: Two, eh? But no knighthood yet.
GJ: No, sod off.
PM: Dame Glenda …
GJ: Stop this pantomime immediately!

Glenda Jackson stalks off. Fat Frank Dobson hoves into view.

PM: Frank! SIR Frank!
FD: Piss off, Gordon.
PM: How about LORD Dobson?
FD: Excuse me, I have a vote to attend.
PM: A free gastric band operation and a guarantee of secrecy that no journalist will ever breach.
FD: Erm … guarantee?
PM: Counselling by Fern Britton. Oh – bugger! I didn't mean ... Frank, Frank, come back.

Frank Dobson stalks off. David Cameron hoves into view.

PM: David, old boy.
DC: Brown. You oik.
PM: I, er ..
DC: A million quid would do it. Cash. Brown envelope. Tonight. In the Gents.
PM: End of the week? Give me time to talk to Tony. He started this f...
DC: Sorry.
PM: The next election? Guaranteed – in the bag.
DC: Done.

Okay, I admit it. It could possibly have been worse for Gordon. But quite how defies the imagination ...