UNCONCISE ENGLISH DICTION, HARRY

I think someone has been tinkering with the English language overnight.

First I picked up my morning paper, and discovered that Cristiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United right-winger, apparently agrees with Sepp Blatter, the FIFA right-winger, that the club’s refusal to grant him a transfer to Real Madrid amounts to modern-day slavery.

Now let me see … Ronaldo signed a contract with United only last year, of his own free will, to stay with them for five years at a reported king’s ransom of £6million a year.

Er, slavery?

Then when I flicked on the TV Breakfast News, there was yesterday’s Toryman David Davis acclaiming his by-election win as “stunning”.

Erm, excuse me – neither Labour nor the Lib Dems put up a candidate, and Miss Great Britain came in fourth, ahead of 21 other candidates. And these included the Mad Cow-Girl from the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, unofficial Monster Raving Loony David Icke, and the Church of the Militant Elvis Party candidate.

So who decided last night that the word ‘stunning’ now means ‘meaningless’? No one consulted me. And as someone who has been dealing with the written word professionally for 40-plus years, I think I ought to be told.

I intend to write to my MP – that brilliant, principled, unselfish person called Harry Something who represents my interests in parliament – and ask for clarification. He will undoubtedly provide a stunning answer – without a thought for the meagre expenses he receives to deal with this sort of enquiry. This will almost certainly prompt me to congratulate him on his common sense.

By ‘congratulate him on his common sense’, I mean of course, ‘threaten to rip off his knackers’.