WANTED: LAPTOP CARRIER DISTRACTERS

At least 900 civil servants, probably from the MoD and Inland Revenue, go through Heathrow every week. Where do they all go? And how do I know this?

I know because 900 is the average number of laptop computers lost at Heathrow each week. And as we all know, nobody loses a laptop like a civil servant loses a laptop.

Now I’ve not got a great memory, but I think I’d pretty soon realise if I left £400/500/800/take-your-pick worth of vital equipment lying carelessly around.

I have a theory. I think Apple, Sony, Toshiba, Samsung, Dell and all the other manufacturers employ people to distract laptop carriers – with their elite squads working at airports and on trains (the civil servant’s other favourite dropping-off place) – to keep sales buoyant.

He’s the guy who engages you in engrossing conversation about last night’s match; the pretty girl who needs some help with her luggage; the grumpy old bastard who likes to fill crowded spaces with noxious farts; the saintly-looking chap with the dog collar who helps you with your crossword, the little s-blank-i-blank.

It’s obviously great business. Globally, about 800,000 laptops are lost or stolen at airports every year. With inflation that will be a million a year by the end of the decade. A million a year! Imagine the commission.

I tried a few oblique Google enquiries and came up with www.apple.com/easymoney4U and www.dell.com/talkthehindlegsoffadonkey.html

Mmmm … I wonder.