MY SWIVEL CHAIR, A BANANA, AND THE DANCE OF DEATH

I’m in the wrong job. I think I’ll become an illusionist. And for my first trick I will sit on my office chair for two hours, type and eat a banana at the same time (putting down the banana only when I have to type) while leaning 45 degrees sideways, and then do the Dance Of Death. This involves jigging to the loo where I will wazz until there is no liquid left in me.

Then I’ll go downstairs to have a cup of coffee and count my money.

Well, if David Blaine can do it, so can I. He hangs upside down for a while, has a coffee and comfort break, maybe something to eat, and then hangs upside down for a little longer.

But wait! There’s the big Dive Of Death finale. In which the Chilled-Blaine jumps and then gets lowered to the ground on wires. Wow! Why didn’t I think of that. But hold on, it’s not over yet ... the darkly clad one is pulled back up into the sky, the lights go off and – gasp! – he disappears.

Genius.

Bring back David Nixon!

* I’m away on a job at the start of next week. Like David Blaine I won’t have disappeared entirely. I’ll be back to entertain and, even more like David Blaine, mystify you some time midweek.