I went to the dentist yesterday. I was a very brave boy and didn’t bite the bastard once.
My teeth are fine, but I have to have my gums out. That’s a slight exaggeration – but I have been having trouble with my gums. The aforementioned bastard noticed at my last check-up that there were signs of the onset of gingervitis.
I thought he was a tennis player, possibly a distant cousin of the late Vitas Gerulaitis, but I was wrong. Ginger flew a Spitfire in the Second World War until his sad death forever associated him with the dental condition – he was inspecting his sorry teeth and gums in his rear-view mirror when a Messerschmitt got him in the Koblenz region.
Anyway, I underwent a very thorough and at times wincing cleaning session yesterday, and have to have another 'deep clean' in a fortnight, which the bastard told me would be even more ‘uncomfortable’.
Uncomfortable!? He should have been a politician. Come to think of it, there are real similarities between the two professions – overpaid bastards causing great pain to the rest of the population.
When I got home yesterday I stumbled across the story of Ricky Gervais and the difference between British and American teeth. In general, ours are natural and characterful; the Yanks’ are unnaturally straight and blindingly white. The reason, of course, is that in the States vanity overcomes everything, even fear of the drill.
A US journalist complimented Gervais on being prepared to wear unflattering false teeth for his role as an English dentist in his latest film. Only he didn't. The comic replied: “These are my real teeth. You think I'd wear them all the time if they weren't real?”
Laugh? I nearly forgot the ordeal that awaits me in a fortnight.
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