Although my new bank NAB (Napper Assets Banking) isn’t up and running yet, I have decided to apply for a tiny handout from the £37billion of our money that the government is giving to the major banks to keep them afloat.
Maybe a pitiful £5million, to ward off future global financial crises. It’s only fair. Actually, I have a minor problem with the books already, so they could pop it in the post this week. It’s not that my new MD is incompetent, but he had a slight accident on Friday.
I – I mean he – received a letter with a familiar postmark and a card inside. He thought he’d received an invitation; maybe someone in the family or a friend was getting married. So he opened it and found a lovely card from a potential investor thanking NAB for challenging the might of the Big Four banks.
Nice to be appreciated, he thought. And then, as an avid recycler (and ripper-off of addresses to prevent identity fraud), he immediately ripped up the envelope to put in the big blue bin. It was only then that he thought, ‘Shame there wasn’t a cheque in it. A cheque … oh my God!’
He opened up the bits of massacred envelope and sure enough, there hidden inside the ripped folds, were scraps of torn cheque. Oh, bugger.
Thinking about it, Mrs S of Lincolnshire might have trouble believing this entirely accurate version of events, so I will revise my request to the government. To £5,000,150.
How does that sound, Gordon and Alistair. A banker prepared to accept a £150 bonus. If I set a precedent here, the nation will be forever in my debt. Hopefully.
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