I HEREBY CALL A MEETING OF NATWEST SHAREHOLDERS

MY bank. The words have got a different ring to them this morning. As a new shareholder of the Natwest (RBS), my first action will be to call an extraordinary meeting of shareholders. Round at our place, next Monday. Hope you can make it.

Could be a tad crowded and Mrs N might struggle to find enough cups for the tea, but I am currently working on a rescue package of measures to make the gathering workable.

We’ll cram as many ordinary shareholders as we can into the piece of land (garden extension) we call the orchard and the good-looking ones into the garden proper. People we wish to castigate – the current greedy bankers – will be packed into the area round the compost heap, so it won’t matter if the over-ripe tomatoes miss their target.

The main item on the agenda will be to replace all the current greedy bankers with a panel of sensible people who will decide how much my new management team (details to be announced later) will be paid in dividends and annual bonuses, and how much the current greedy bankers will be required to put into the payback fund in order to become former greedy bankers and therefore be accepted back into polite society.

The second item will be to decide how much the new sensible bankers are prepared to pay to incorporate NAB – my other bank, Napper Assets Banking – into the New Natwest (New RBS).

Then you can all bugger off home.